Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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