just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
