I'm gonna have a badass scar
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
