Where are you?
In a non slutty way
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
