I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
