he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I checked into jail on foursquare
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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