3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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