god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
