I'm so fucking centered right now
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
