Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
