I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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