dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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