woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
