the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
