I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
My feet surprised me
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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