I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
