Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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