I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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