I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
