mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Randomize