i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
