she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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