Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
