I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
