i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
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