also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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