I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
The power of my boobs compel you
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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