You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Bring me that man meat
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
