I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
