Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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