Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
