Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
