How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
