I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
