I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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