I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
