I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
