So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
