my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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