please come you make the beer taste better
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
