dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
