It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
