just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
