Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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