So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
