Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
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