If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
