We're facebook friends in real life
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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