So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
