Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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