Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
