Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Randomize
