This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
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