She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
