good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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