I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize