The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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